Always Say Goodbye

“Beeeeep!!!”

“I’m sorry Mrs. Braun, but your husband has flatlined.”

The words still echo in my mind. April 17, 2021. It was a clear, sunny day, without a cloud in the sky. It was a day like any other, except for the fact that Grandpa was coming home from the hospital. I still vividly remember the ambulance arriving, bright red and blue lights flashing, causing my vision to be spotted for several minutes. I can still picture the stretcher bringing him into the house, the bright yellow and black “STRYKER” logo on the side. I remember looking at my watch and seeing “7:52” in bright fluorescent red numbers.

Grandpa was coming home from the hospital after nearly three weeks. I was only 13 at the time, so I did not know why he was coming home. I thought that his pneumonia was gone, but there was a surprise waiting for me just around the corner.

You see, Grandpa was a very stubborn Army man. He did everything his own way and never wanted any help. I did not know this at the time, but the real reason he came home was so that he could pass away peacefully, surrounded by family. They offered him the treatment for his pneumonia, but he turned it down because he knew it was his time.

8:02

When I saw Grandpa back in his house for the first time in weeks, I was overtaken with happiness. He was lying in his hospital bed in his living room. He had his thick, black hair with silver creeping in, the black and red flannel that I had seen him wear a million times, the glasses that he refused to get fixed (despite the giant scratch across the entire lens), and the same familiar scent of Axe body spray that became so familiar, it felt like home. Even though he was home, something still seemed off. I thought he would be happy to be home. I thought he would be happy to see his family. I thought he would be happy to see me. But he wasn’t. I didn’t think anything of this because I thought, “He’s probably just tired from being in the hospital.” To my dismay, I was wrong.

I never realized the real reason that Grandpa came home until I overheard a conversation between Dad and Grandma that shook me to my core.

11:42

“Hey, Sue, how are you doing?” Dad whispered in an attempt not to be overheard.

“Not good. I don’t want to lose the only man I’ve ever loved,” Grandma replied with a quivering voice.

“Oh, Sue, I’m so sorry this has to happen this way. I’m here for you whenever you need me, because I don’t see him making it to the end of the day.”

My heart dropped. It was getting harder to breathe. The words were echoing in my mind, which was racing a million miles a minute, and I couldn't slow it down.

11:47

I slowly left the room so as not to alarm anyone about my eavesdropping. As soon as I left the house, I started sprinting. No destination. I ran a mile into the cornfield before stopping. I sat down among the plants and cried, screamed, and asked God why this was happening. I sat in the field for an hour before finally returning to my family.

12:55

I slowly walked back into the house, trying not to alert anyone that I was gone. But as soon as I walked back in the house, I got bombarded with questions and statements.

“Where were you?” Mom asked.

“What were you doing?” Aunt Lisa joined in.

“You missed lunch,” Grandma said in a huff.

Before I could even answer any of the questions, my cousin Julia came to the rescue by saying, “Hey, Rebecca. Can you come help me with something in the living room real quick?”

“Of course,” I said in a thankful tone.

Before anyone could stop us, we started toward the hallway.

4:03

“Rebecca! Go say goodbye to your grandpa before we leave,” Mom screamed at me from across the room.

I walked over to him, shaking, sweating, without a clue about what I was going to say to him. As I sat down next to him, all I could think was “I don't want to say goodbye because this one means forever.” So as I was sitting next to him, I never spoke a word. I never said goodbye.

4:32

As we were getting ready to walk out the door, we heard a sound that rattled all of us. We immediately knew exactly what was happening.

“Beeeeep!!!”

“I’m sorry Mrs. Braun, but your husband has flatlined,” said the nurse in an uncomfortable tone. The room fell silent, but Grandma’s cry broke the silence seconds later. I turned to Mom, and her face went as pale as a ghost. My mind started racing once more with the thought of the goodbye I never gave.

4:41

All I could think about was not saying goodbye. I was kicking myself. All I could think was “I'm never going to forgive myself for this.”

6:30

Finally, we were ready to leave. We all cried for hours, but we knew we needed to go home because we had school the next day. So we said our goodbyes and were on our way.

6:45

On the way home, my mind was still racing. I had so many thoughts all at one time, “He shouldn't have gone. Not then. Not there. Not like that. Why didn't he just get the treatment? I just want to say goodbye.”